a tribute to my father

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Gilda Radner

this first post is intended to be a tribute to my father, aside from all the good times we shared, the most heartbreaking part was that when i was signing up for i.ph, my father was actually being brought to the hospital due to stroke. i left my domain lifeless for two weeks. and i am now starting to give life to it, as my father lost his a week ago.

my father and i do not have that close-enough relationship but i do have my uttermost respect and love for him. i don't have long tales of childhood memoirs spent with Pa since he was away for more than 14 yrs of my early existence.

when Papa was still around, i often get disappointed with him. i can't remember Him attending any of my PTA meetings, it was always ma who attended and if she's not available i'd have to stick with a friend of a friend of my mom's officemate.He didn't attend any of my graduations, he said he doesn't have the enthusiasm to mingle with the socially challenged folks of other kids. during my oath taking, i took my oath alone, they said it would cost them that much that they'd rather stay home.

now, it starts to sink in, no one will ask me to have the car vulcanized or filled,no one will tell me i should be filling the gas tank with unleaded instead of diesel,no one will buy the cheap hopia from the sari-sari store,no one will ask me to check on the set-up of the t.v., no one will ask me to buy mesulid from mercury drug, no one will ask me if i already locked the gates when i'm already halfway dreaming at night, no one will ask me where would i be going and when would i be back,there would be no one for me to hide the fried and MSG-rich food,no one for me to hide the colas and coffee,no one for me to get mad at whenever the toilet doesn't get flushed, no one…now that he is gone.

i've been with Pa during the last few days of his life. he's been struggling so hard, with every intake of air that seems to be of so much agony.i was told he's been wanting to say something before he left that's why he's still fighting amidst the pain,i learned he doesn't want to leave because of me. my siblings, having a family of their own already and i being the only one left to stand by my mother was his worry. i whispered to him we'll be fine and he should not be worried for i will take care of mom. i told him i'll be ok with mom and my siblings, so he can rest.and i saw tears from his eyes. we lost him few hours after that. my family and our friends find his remains at peace. he's been smiling the whole time.

wherever Papa is, i know he's happy. no more pain Pa. no more oxygen and NGT.no more insulin.no more chain stroke.no more createnine shoot ups.no more struggles.

greatest regret Pa,is that i wasn't able to tell you how much i love you. how much i appreciate all your sacrifices.and how sorry i am for not understanding the cause of my disappointments…but it's too late,sorry pa and i'm sorry for myself.