ang buhay nga naman

MATAGAL…at hindi ko na kailangang magpakasarcastic para ma-emphasize lamang na talagang matagal ng natutulog ang blog site kong ito…nakakalungkot dahil tulad ng nabanggit ko sa nauna kong blog,madaming gumugulo sa utak ko na sa blog ko lamang naipapahayag. pero katulad ng mga bagong gradweyt na excited kumita ng sariling pera-nalululon din ako sa trabaho. mabuti sana kung maghapong pagbabasa lamang ng dyaryo at pagdial sa telepono at ganigawa ko sa trabaho,marahil hindi lamang "updated 24 hours ago" ang status ko sa friendster. nararapat lamang siguro na bigyan ko ng katwiran ang hindi ko pagbisita man lamang sa blog site na ito. una-nagmahal ang presyo ng gulay dahil sa pagdating ng ilang magkakasunod na bagyo, pangalawa-tumaas ang presyo ng karneng baboy at pangatlo (at marahil pinakamagulo)-may shortage daw sa bigas. siguro naman hindi na kailangang bangitin pa kung saan ako nagtatrabaho.kung naguguluhan pa din kayo,tanungin niyo na lang si Sec. Yap.

hay…masama lang talaga ang loob ko…kaya basag talaga ang mga sinusulat ko. kung sa tula-hindi sila magkatunog,kung sa kanta-sintunado,kung sa sanaysay-taglish.ayos,taglish pala ito. gusto ko lamang namang malaman na hindi lamang ako ang impokrita na gumagawa ng ginagawa ko ngaun (hindi ang mag-blog). unti unti ko ng pinapatay ang sarili ko sa isang bagay na hindi ko naman alam kung gusto ko ba o ginagawa ko lang dahil kailangan. sa totoon lang, hindi ko pa din alam anung gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko (walang pakialaman, dahil kahit ilang "tanga!" pa ang madinig ko, wala akong magagawa-talagang hindi pa ako naliliwanagan).

naalala ko tuloy ang minsang nabasa ko (hindi ko alam kung sa peryodiko o sa text message ng mauso ang unli) - nagpapakahirap daw magtrabaho ang tao para lamang sa pagdating ng panahon ay may magastos sa pagpapagamot ng sakit na dulot din naman ng pagpapakapagod sa pagawa. tama nga naman, pero san ako lulugar? kung hindi ako magtatrabaho-wala akong sweldo, kung matutulog ako maghapon at manonood ng buong season ng CSI-hindi ko ito pagsasawaan pero kahit siguro dirty ice cream hindi ako makakabili. 

bakit kaya hindi na lamang nabuhay ang tao ng ayon sa pagkakalikha sa kanya? bakit ba hindi pwedeng umakyat na lang tayo sa bundok, lumangoy sa dagat, pumasok sa mga kweba, mangisda, mamitas ng bulaklak, tumawa, makinig, tumahimik, kumanta, sumayaw, magmahal, magpahinga at matuto ng WALANG BAYAD-WALANG KAPALIT.

hindi ako nagdadrama. hindi rin ako galit sa boss ko. at hindi ko gustong pakingan nila na KAILANGAN KO NG MATAAS NA SWELDO…. pero bawat araw na pinapatay ko ang computer ko,bawat araw na naglalakad ako sa kahabaan ng city hall, naiisip ko-paano kung bukas mamatay na ako?-masaya ba talaga ako?? siguro naiisip mo na napaka dali ng solusyon sa pinoproblema ko-"follow your heart"-gawin mo ang bagay na makakapagpasaya sayo…pero alam mo at alam ko na wala ng libre sa mundo. kung sana hindi nabuhay ang tao na may presyo ang lahat ng bagay.kung sana madali ang maging iba ng hindi ka nagiging makasarili. at kung sana hindi tumaas ang presyo ng baboy at bigas-sana hindi ako nagmamaktol ng ganito.

sunscreen

Noon pa man ay jologs na talaga ako. Bukod sa masugid akong tagasubaybay ng T.G.I.S, kung saan binigyan ni Angelu de leon ng makabagong konsepto ang mga manonood sa kulay na “neon”, makailang ulit ko din atang pinanood ang “Romeo and Juliet” ni Leonardo di Caprio at Claire Danes. Hindi dahil nagandahan ako sa istorya kundi nahumaling ako kay Leonardo di Caprio (Leo). Pagpapatunay na jologs talaga ako e meron akong Notebook na may muka ni Leo, stationery na may muka din ni Leo at aminadong patay na patay kay Bobby Andrews kung sakaling wala na akong pagasa kay Leo.

Pero kahit jologs ako, nagkainteres akong hiramin ang “Chicken Soup” ng kaklase kong si Jowana. Pag may Chicken Soup ka kaseng binabasa e bigtime ka na nung highschool. Kaya sa loob ng isang lingo nagging BIGTIME ako!

Sa pagbabasa ko ng Chcken Soup, una kong nasilayan ang Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99 na sinulat ni Mary Schmich. Akala ko non isa itong speech para sa graduating class, pero sa aking pagsasaliksik, e nalaman ko na isang artikulo pala ito na inilathala ni Ms. Schmich sa The Chicago Tribune noong June 1, 1997. At matapos nga at halos isang taon, lumabas na ang kantang Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen ni Baz Luhrman. Saulo ko na nga ang lyrics ng kanta dahil pinagtiyagaan kong kopyahin ang artikulo sa Chicken Soup ni Ms. Schmich. Maganda kase ang nilalaman ng bawat salitang bumubuo sa artikulong ito. Madami akong natutunan at isa itong malaking impluwensya sa aking katauhan. Lahat ata ng sinabi ni Ms. Schmich naging pananaw ko na din, ang nakakatawa lang hindi naman ako gumagamit ng sunscreen.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99

by Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

ang aking "blog"

Sa una kong "blog" (salamat sa Friendster), pinag-isipan kong mabuti kung sa salitang Ingles o Pilipino ko ba ito isusulat. Sa totoo lang, hindi ako kagalingan sa Ingles. Pawang mabababaw na salita lamang ang alam kong isulat dahil una, natatatakot akong mapagkamalang tanga dahil hindi ko alam ang saktong ibig sabihin ng mga salitang maari kong gamitin at pangalawa, dahil tanga talaga ako sa subject-verb agreement. Kaya salamat na din sa bagong telepono na ginagamit ko, nasasanay ako sa pagsulat ng salitang Pilipino na hindi "Wer n u? d2 n me." kundi "Asan ka na baga?! Andine na ako!".

Nasanay akong magsulat sa Pilipino, mali daw kase pag sinasabi kong Tagalog, dahil ang tagalog ay isang grupo ng mamamayan na naninirihan sa Luzon at hindi isang klasipikasyon ng salita. O sige, payag na,Pilipino kung Pilipino. Sa aking palagay, mas madali kase sa akin ang sumulat sa tagalog,este pilipino pala.Una, dahil napakahirap isalaysay sa kwento ang mga pangyayari sa araw araw kong buhay kung Ingles ang aking gagamitin, dahil aminin ko man o hindi, puro mga jologs talaga ang kasama ko,hindi sanay sa usapang ingles.Pangalawa,dahil kung ako ang magbabasa, mas nararamdaman ko ang nakapaloob sa isang kwento kung hindi ko na kelangang basahin ng dalawang ulit para maintindihan ang nilalaman nito,(inamin ko naman di ba? Tanga ako madalas sa Ingles). at pangatlo, dahil nanalo ako sa pagsulat ng sanaysay noong Grade 3 ako,ibig sabihin ito ang forte ko.Tama!

Bilib ako sa mga nakakapagsulat ng "blog" na may nakapaloob na napakalalalim na salitang ingles. Para kaseng sinisisi ko ang sarili ko baket ba hindi ako nakinig sa titser ko nung nagtuturo siya ng subject-verb agreement.Dahil nung mga panahong yon ay nagdodrawing ako ng carebears na may kulay gamit ang bolpen kong blue at red.Marami na akong librong nabasa na sa katagalan ay natapos ko din, na nasusulat sa salitang Ingles at hindi matatawaran ang paghanga ko sa kanila.Gusto ko ding magsulat,hindi man mapantayan ang galing nila,ang magkaroon lamang ng pagkakataong masabi ang nasa magulo ko ng utak upang mabawasan ang mga bagay na patuloy pang nagpapagulo dito.

Gusto kong magsulat,ang ipaalam sa mga katulad ko na hindi sila nagiisa na naguguluhan sa mundong ito, na hindi sila lamang ang naguguluhan kung dapat bang iabot ang bayad ng bagong sakay kahit pareho kayong nasa dulo ng sinasakyan nyong dyip at hindi sila lamang ang nagtataka kung bakit hindi ka makabanyo ng walang hawak na sigarilyo. 

a tribute to my father

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

Gilda Radner

this first post is intended to be a tribute to my father, aside from all the good times we shared, the most heartbreaking part was that when i was signing up for i.ph, my father was actually being brought to the hospital due to stroke. i left my domain lifeless for two weeks. and i am now starting to give life to it, as my father lost his a week ago.

my father and i do not have that close-enough relationship but i do have my uttermost respect and love for him. i don't have long tales of childhood memoirs spent with Pa since he was away for more than 14 yrs of my early existence.

when Papa was still around, i often get disappointed with him. i can't remember Him attending any of my PTA meetings, it was always ma who attended and if she's not available i'd have to stick with a friend of a friend of my mom's officemate.He didn't attend any of my graduations, he said he doesn't have the enthusiasm to mingle with the socially challenged folks of other kids. during my oath taking, i took my oath alone, they said it would cost them that much that they'd rather stay home.

now, it starts to sink in, no one will ask me to have the car vulcanized or filled,no one will tell me i should be filling the gas tank with unleaded instead of diesel,no one will buy the cheap hopia from the sari-sari store,no one will ask me to check on the set-up of the t.v., no one will ask me to buy mesulid from mercury drug, no one will ask me if i already locked the gates when i'm already halfway dreaming at night, no one will ask me where would i be going and when would i be back,there would be no one for me to hide the fried and MSG-rich food,no one for me to hide the colas and coffee,no one for me to get mad at whenever the toilet doesn't get flushed, no one…now that he is gone.

i've been with Pa during the last few days of his life. he's been struggling so hard, with every intake of air that seems to be of so much agony.i was told he's been wanting to say something before he left that's why he's still fighting amidst the pain,i learned he doesn't want to leave because of me. my siblings, having a family of their own already and i being the only one left to stand by my mother was his worry. i whispered to him we'll be fine and he should not be worried for i will take care of mom. i told him i'll be ok with mom and my siblings, so he can rest.and i saw tears from his eyes. we lost him few hours after that. my family and our friends find his remains at peace. he's been smiling the whole time.

wherever Papa is, i know he's happy. no more pain Pa. no more oxygen and NGT.no more insulin.no more chain stroke.no more createnine shoot ups.no more struggles.

greatest regret Pa,is that i wasn't able to tell you how much i love you. how much i appreciate all your sacrifices.and how sorry i am for not understanding the cause of my disappointments…but it's too late,sorry pa and i'm sorry for myself.